It may be an unfamiliar term: gaslighting . But when it happens in a relationship, it looks something like this:

I always wondered why I couldn’t trust my memory. Doctors have told me nothing is physically wrong with me. Yet I constantly think, “Maybe I am too sensitive.,” or “Could I be making this up?” 

Then one day I talked with a friend who had heard the term “gaslighting” and it started to make sense. I had been in an abusive relationship for years. What I didn’t recognize was how this man taught me to doubt myself. 

The term “gaslighting” came from a 1938 stage play, Gas Light. The story line was about a husband who convinces his wife that she is going crazy by nightly dimming the lights (powered by gas) in the house. When the wife talks about the dimming lights, the husband denies reality and tells her she is mistaken. The wife thinks she is going crazy.

The term “gaslighting” now refers to a form of emotional abuse in which the victim of the abuse is made to believe her reality is false. The abuser engages in questioning, twisting and omitting information in the hope that the victim thinks she is going crazy. She doubts her memory, perceptions and relies heavily on the abuser to help her see the “truth.” The abuser then controls the victim.

The process is usually gradual. The abuser employs techniques like withholding information, countering reality, challenging reality, trivializing feelings and denying things with the common accusation that the victim must be making things up. This leads to incredible feelings of insecurity, self-doubt and distrust.

Since gas lighting is fueled by manipulation and pathology, most people need professional help to deal with it. Once you see the pattern, you have to break out of the cycle. That may mean a break from that abusive relationship until the other person stops the abuse.

The rebuilding of confidence is critical. You begin by repairing your relationship with yourself and God. God is trustworthy. His word is trustworthy. What He says about you is true, not what other people say. No one has the right to define your worth or reality other than God. And He has already declared you worthy.  Read the Word to understand who you are in Christ, and how we are to treat one another.

You may also need a therapist to help you begin to trust your own thoughts, opinions, and reality again.  Counseling can help you set boundaries and learn how to respond to the manipulation. It can help you limit confrontations and minimize unhealthy interactions. Overall, the goal is to help you get out of that abusive pattern and take control of your life again.

Relationship gaslighting

2 Responses to "Relationship gaslighting"

  • Kim says:

    Thank you so very much for putting a name to this practice. I have been a victim most of my life of gas lighting, mostly to discredit my accomplishments, telling me that they were not real and that I really didn’t do it. You can’t believe the incredible frustration this has caused me in my life and it only drove me to “prove” myself even more. I am so happy that Jesus takes me the way I am, and I need not “prove” myself any longer! Praise God!

    1. Carly Viland says:

      Praise God!

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